"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us."

It seems like 2010 was more meaningful and quick to pass than any other year that I can remember. Maybe because it was the year in which I did the most growing up so far. Or maybe because it was the year in which I first began to plan for what my future might be like. Or it could have been because 2010 was my year for change, both wanted and unwanted, positive and negative.

I don't think anyone really plans when they want to grow up. Rather, I think it just happens suddenly when we least expect it and hurriedly goes about ripping apart everything and everyone that we thought we knew. Most of the time it's merciless as well, and refuses to hold back the truths in life that we had once shielded ourselves from. Who would have thought it was what we always yearned for back in our very earliest days of childhood. This year I've learned, and am still learning, that growing up is NOT everything it's cracked up to be.

Contentment seems to come in waves throughout my life, sometimes staying for months at time and sometimes only a few hours. I was not going through one of those waves at the start of this school year. At the time my wave was as rough as they come, bringing difficulties and change instead of contentment. However, it wasn't school, or anyone around me that changed, just me. I changed and am still changing almost beyond recognition, much to the surprise and confusion of those around me. I have come to understand now that I have spent most of my short life trying to avoid any type of situation that might make me feel too passionately or make me want to make my emotions known. Now I know that I was terrified of people really knowing me, because there was always that chance that they might not like what they found. I think I knew this before 2010 too but was just too lazy or too scared to do anything about it, so I guess God had to give me a few strong pushes to get me going the right way.

You could say that I've had my eyes opened somewhat, so now I don't view exposing my thoughts and fears as a sign of some sort of weakness. For some reason, I am now not afraid to be an individual. I'm still trying to figure out why God would want me to be more open to others, because from what I've experienced sometimes when other people know what you feel and think, they have better opportunities to hurt you. But I guess I need to learn how to trust too. Who knows. Maybe I'll figure that one out in 2011.

So overall I can say that 2010 was definitely an eventful year, but I wouldn't have changed it even if I could. Hopefully 2011 will open and possibly even close a few more doors in my life. I'm sort of looking forward to it to be honest. The older I get the more amazed I am by how far I still have to go to reach my intended potential. I highly desire to obtain that level of pure peacefulness, that knowing that I have done everything and said everything that was expected of me, and even if I do happen to fall, slide, stumble, and crawl my way to that state of mind it will have been well worth it. After all, successfully conquering life wouldn't be any fun at all if it was easy.

Happy New Year!